Thursday, August 14, 2008

Dry Eye in Panarama City

Dear Helen,
My eyes f*ing kill me every day after staring at the computer for 10 hours
straight. I'm using re-wetting drops, but they're still blood-shot and just
plain painful. Any advice?

-Dry Eye in Detroit
(Well, actually Panarama City, but I needed something that started with a D)

Dear Dry Eye in Detroit/Panarama City,

How's the Target over there? Anyways, your problem is a very common one. The most beneficial thing you can do at this point is to dim the lighting in the room you work in. If you have fluorescent lights, buy a lamp and use that instead...soft lighting will help a lot. Another thing is to dim your computer screen because that will help with straining. Ideally, the brightness of your computer screen and the room lighting should be about equal.
Another thing that might help is to take frequent breaks away from your computer screen, maybe once every 30 minutes.
And a 3rd suggestion is to get reading glasses made especially for when you're at your computer. Other than that, have you considered a job in farming, or restaurant management perhaps? Or something where you don't have to stare at a computer screen 10 hours a day...wait you only work 10 hours a day?!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Those darn chiggers!

Question: I need a cure for chigger bites...STAT!

Answer: Well first let's talk about what chiggers are. Even though is sounds like a deep fried food straight out of the South, chiggers are actually tiny tiny little larvae of mites, they're so small you can't even see them. Most people think they burrow under the skin but they don't, they actually feed off the fluid of your skin, leaving it red, itchy, and dry. So how do you get rid of these little f-ers? Some people will recommend putting nail polish on top of them to seal them in and reduce itching, but since they don't really burrow under the skin, this will only reduce itching but not the actual infection. While you could take benadryl, it will probably make you sleepy, so your best bet is hydro-cortisone cream to reduce the itchiness and taking oatmeal baths to reduce the inflammation. If it's still bad after a couple weeks, you should definitely go see your doctor.

How to email questions

Because I'm not so great at this whole html dealio...this is how you email me:

On the bottom of the left column, it says "view my complete profile" and if you click that you'll see a link that says "email me"

I will always post your questions as "anonymous" unless otherwise requested.

If anyone knows how to put an "email me" link on this page, let me know :) Preferably, I'd like it so it doesn't reveal my email address.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

This guy

Dear Helen: There's this know what I'm saying? Thanks.

-Confused in Hollyweird

Dear Confused: I totally understand, that sucks. If you decide to date women, let me know.

Friday, May 21, 2004


dear helen,

don't you think that people should eventually live their own lives and do what they want even if their parents won't 100% approve? i always try to be respectful and follow the rules, but i am an adult and i am NOT my parents, and i am going to do my own thing! where do you think people should draw the line when it comes to doing what their parents wish? when is it good to break out and just be yourself, even if they don't like it?

Dear anonymous:

While most of us want to please our parents and will make many sacrifices to keep them happy, ultimately you are the one that has to live with your decisions. Parents often fail to see that although they want the best for their children, they push them away by disapproving of their children's life choices. Then again, it is a good idea to look into what your parents are telling you and why they are giving you advice, even when it's unwanted, because they do have more experience. But again, you are the one who lives with your decision not them and I would say, as long as you aren't intentionally hurting anyone, do what makes you happy but be responsible for the consequences when and if they occur.


Dear Helen: I got a blister, how can I fix it now and how can I avoid it in the future. -Ouch in NYC

Dear Ouch: Yay, a medical question...I'm good at these. Well it's actually okay to pop a blister but you have to do it right. Take a needle and clean in with alcohol, then burn the tip, then clean it with alcohol again. Wash the blister with soap and water, then careful poke a hole into the blister with the needle. Once you've drained it, wash it again with soap and water and keep it bandaged since you don't want it to get infected.
In order to avoid blisters, wear comfortable shoes that don't cause your feet to sweat, and always wear cotton socks. You can also apply deoderant to your feet to keep them dry since sweat causes your feet to move around making it more likely to get a blister. Baby powder also works to keep them dry, though it's a little more messy.


dear helen, what are some good stretching techniques for sex

dear anonymous:
wow...maybe I should be asking you for advice. I would go with normal workout stretching. You can help each other stretch, that could be fun, though I have a feeling you're all set in the fun department.

Time to fall in love?

Dear Helen: is it okay for to fall in love with someone else whilst your old love is crying still - falling in CA

Dear Falling:
Well I think we've all either had that old love or have been that old love and it's not an easy situation for either person. If you believe you've moved on then you need to live your life to the fullest. Having said that, your old love, if you're still in contact will be hurt, or perhaps devastated that you really have moved on, but that also might give him/her enough reason to finally move on. As much as you may not want to hurt this person, putting your life on hold does nothing for their well-being and you're not doing them a favor by letting them keep hanging on. But since you asked this question, it leads me to believe you may not be ready to be in love with someone else.

Roses smell like...

dear helen: i just bought my sister some flowers for her first performance play at school. To my surprise, they smelled like urine. I guess i didn't smell them while i was out buying it.I sprinkled some baby powder around the sunflowers and foliage. got any other tips to rid of this urine smell.

dear smelly roses: well 3 can rinse the stems off, you can take them back, or you can throw them away. but damn that sucks.

Pee breaks

Dear Helen:

I'm sitting at work, after just having had lunch. I'm stuffed to the
brim, and i could use a few more minutes before i get back in work mode.
One option i'm considering is going to the bathroom to pee. My feet are
tapping the floor, which means i have to go pretty bad, but it's not an
emergency yet. The thing is, I really don't like to go pee. I always
procrastinate as long as i can. so now i'm procrastinating on work and

what should i do?

Dear Anonymous:
Well if you don't pee when you need to, you are putting yourself at risk for bladder infections. Try depends or pampers.

Is red in season?

Dear Helen: Can you wear red heals with jeans without looking like Dorothy from Wizard of Oz? Can we expect rain tomorrow? Is having one orgasm enough for most women? Why does my dog try to hump my foot every day? Is it 5pm yet?

Thanks for the advice

Dear Anonymous:
I think red heals with jeans are fine as long as they are slightly pointed. You may want to steer clear of the rounded red Dorothy-esque heal.
Rain tomorrow, I hope not...
I think most women are satisfied with one orgasm but going above and beyond that is always good for bonus points, of course if you always go above and beyond then your partner will be spoiled and always expect more than one orgasm, I think.
You dog needs to be neutered, if your dog is neutered, I can't help you.
And in the words of Alan Jackson, "...It's only half past twelve but I don't care
It's Five O'Clock somewhere"

The other woman?

Dear Helen, i just broke up with my long term boyfriend of 4 years.
The other day when i confided in my best friend about the whole thing,
and she professed her love to me. I feel betrayed by her, and confused. But at the same time curious. Help!

Dear Anonymous:
Well I'd love to say I haven't been in this situation before, and if you wrote this, you you go: First things first, you just got out of a serious relationship and you're obviously hurt and need time to heal. The one person you felt you could confide in has feelings for you so you're probably also feeling pretty alone right now. You also have to realize that you are most likely on the rebound and while this curious and exciting situation may seem like a fun thing to dive in to, give it a lot of thought. This is your best friend after all and are you ready to say goodbye to the friendship and get into something that may end up being extremely complicated, especially during a time when you need a shoulder to cry on, not a girl to make out with. Be open with your friend, do you share these feelings for her or are you simply curious? Does she know you're feeling betrayed? It may be a good idea to confide in another friend who can support you through this. Good Luck!

Slutty vs. Satisfied

Dear Helen, so lately i have come to the conclusion that i love (good) sex. and well, in this day and age, i am constanly reminded how important it is to keep safe during the act or acts. My question is: How long should you wait before engaging in the act. (10 dates, 3 weeks, what is the proper meaasure so I don't come off looking like a slut and a respectiable mate!?!?) -Samantha

Dear Samantha:
Since each person has different beliefs and views on sex, I can't tell you to wait a certain amount of days before sleeping with someone. What I would say is listen to what your mind and body are telling you, and if you feel the time is right then go for it. But, as you mentioned, it's definitely important to be safe and if you're not at the point where you can openly discuss STDs and protective measures with your partner, then maybe you aren't ready.
At best, have fun...

(Since I'm new to this, feel free to click on the comment button below and give additional advice, especially if you think your advice is better)

My first post

Alright this is the post where I convince people to send me questions to answer...they can be work related, personal, made up, about someone else...anything.